The Sparks Of Light Within The Darkness
To my wonderful community, I will be pausing my circles next week and will be returning with the Mother Earth Retreat on the 4th and 5th of September - if you'd like to join us email me for more details and the New Moon in Virgo Circle Online on the 7th of September, which I'll launch soon. I feel called to share the journey I’ve been on recently. I’m sharing my truth with an open heart. Please listen to your own soul if you read, I’m aware this is a delicate subject so honour yourself if it doesn’t feel right for you to hear my story or it just isn't for you skip this one.
2 weeks ago I was due to have my 12 week scan, the day before the scan I had started spotting. Although it’s normal during pregnancy I knew something didn’t feel right. I tried to stay present and trust. During the scan it came to light that I had experienced a blighted ovum, which is when the embryo dissolves back into the lining of the womb, most likely very early in the pregnancy, but everything continues to develop. So I had the amniotic sac and all the symptoms of being pregnant but no baby. It was heartbreaking to hear.
During my pregnancy I had been open with friends and family and shared my news, the excitement is so overpowering that I couldn’t hold it in. And although people often say to hold fire on sharing until the first scan, for me I have no regrets and I’m so glad that I had shared because when we found out about the loss, I had such a strong circle of love, wisdom and support around me.
I received such wisdom from friends and also came to know how so many had experienced something similar. I hadn’t realised that 1 in 4 pregnancies end in miscarriage. One of the greatest pieces of advice was to rest and surrender. I decided in that moment to cancel everything and free up space for me to enter this journey. I cocooned. The first few days I felt the waves of sadness, the tears endlessly flowed, I welcomed them, I could feel my heart chakra so wide open and hurting. Feeling it all. My mantra repeating over and over to surrender.
The tools I reached for:
☽ Star Of Bethlehem Flower Essence for grief and loss (Thank you to my teacher Louise Allen for recommending this)
☽ I sipped on Female Comfort Tea by Nikki Hill with Ladys Mantle and Red Raspberry Leaf to call on the release.
☽ ClaryCalm Blend by doTERRA, I rubbed this on my womb, my lower back and around my ankles and feet to assist with the flow of the bleed. ☽ My new Larimar teardrop necklace from Kanoa Living (Thank you Gail, Amy and Holly)
In my flowing state I listened to my body and went wherever it needed to go, curled up in bed, sleeping, walking in nature, asked the trees to connect me to my roots.
When the release came for my womb to let go of all that it had made it was the early hours of Friday 13th. The house was quiet, my partner and dog were in the deepest sleep as I roamed the house, creating nests on the floor of the bathroom or the sofa. By this point I had released so much emotionally I had no tears left, and I felt truly present and in my physical body. We had no painkillers in the house apart from an old lemsip, which didn’t feel like it did much. I went into the pain asking it to guide me. When they said it to expect a heavy period this went beyond those expectations, it was intense and primal and actually didn’t feel negative, but it was extremely painful. I felt so connected to my womb. I didn’t want to wake my partner up, I wanted to be on this journey alone and if anyone could’ve been there I felt I wanted women around me to bathe me and hold me and I could almost feel the presence of female ancestors and the divine feminine energies of the earth mothering me. I ran a magnesium bath at 4am. I entered trance like states in my curled up foetal position on the floor, lucid dreaming. Childs pose seemed to really help. I felt I was in a medicine ceremony, a sacred experience, a birth. When I released the parts I no longer needed I felt in awe of my body and how it had created a home for a baby, even though that baby never formed. I kept some things and later knew I would do something to mark this moment and make an offering to the earth.
I asked a good friend to hold space for me on the Edge of Alderley and perform a blessing. On a Tuesday, there was a low mist and with my Mum and my friend we walked to a space on the Edge that felt right for the ceremony. The directions were called in (earth for the alchemy to take my offering and feed the soil, air to help us move on, fire for the passion, water to wash away the tears) and the circle was cast, I returned the parts I had made for the baby to the earth, whispering words as I covered them in soil, with an card, rose petals, shells and a crystal. I sang a song that I’d channeled in the bath pre-pregnancy that felt it was from the Spirit Baby.
“Mama sing me a song, so I know where I’m going
So I know where I’m from, sing me a song,
Mama tell me I’m home in your heart,
And I’ll always be loved.
It’s a long way down the pathways in between,
I am flying in this dream.
Flying by the angels in the sky
It’s my time
I choose you.”
As I sang the song the sky opened for a moment and I felt a sense of completion.
I knew I needed to mark this experience and I have felt much lighter and accepting since.
These moments aren’t always talked about, they are very personal. I don’t mind sharing my story. There are no rules, and no set ways of behaving or doing things and openness has always been how I exist in the world, sharing my story is also part of my healing (thank you for reading). I’m glad I was open with my friends and family because in my cocoon I’ve felt supported and loved beyond what I could’ve imagined or expected. The tea, oils and flower essence all really helped me too. There is so much wisdom and nurturing that comes from the circles of women around us, and I am so grateful to each and every person for being there and at the same time giving me space, for holding me unconditionally. You all know who you are. It meant a lot.
I’ve been learning about Spirit Babies and trusting that our little being will come through when the time is right, but I’m seeing the gift in this was that I was meant to learn and discover a deeper connection with my womb, experience a reverence for the human body and grow even closer in my relationship, my Capricorn is forever the anchor.
As I always say in my circles and with clients, it’s so important to listen to your body and follow the whisperings of the soul. Although I am emerging now from this darkness, my energy is beginning to return I have decided to pause holding space for a little longer while I heal. As the energy returns it feels like it needs to cycle back around and return to me and my relationship, this ending is also a beginning, as I move from tiredness and sadness to hope. With Love and Blue Moon Blessings,
Sadie
xxx